On my own
by Emerald snake eyes
Summary: song fic to on my own from Les Miserables. Each night Merlin dreams of the man he so desperately wants but can never have but what else are dreams for?


On my own

_Lyrics._

a/n hey i was listening to the song not too long after watching an episode of Merlin and i thought that it suited their situation.

this is my first song fic and also my first Merlin fic. so yeah that inspires confidence.

i own nothing!(not the lyrics or the word or characters used in this fic. that so sad maybe the bbc can led me Arthur and Merlin.

so yeah hope you enjoy.

* * *

><p>Lifting the candle close to my face i paused my lips and with a breath of air the candle flicked and died and the room was plunged into drakness. Pausing allowed my self to gaze on the already sleeping figure in the large bed at my side his golden hair shimmering in the little moonlight that creeped through the gap in the curtains. Shighing softly i made my way to the door. the frame illumined by the light i trapped behind it. The light seem too bright like it lead to another world. Some far off place were i must face the truth and not hide in the dark forever pretending.<p>

Opening the door with a defined squeak i cast one last look back into the bliss that is the drakeness and then that man sleepin in the bed. Turning back i closed the door behind me and he light charged trough me like a shower of arrows searing my flesh. Craving the darkness i hurriedly made my way to mine and Gaius's quarter needing to see a friendly face.

Upon arrival i found guest asleep on his bed in the centre of the room.

_And now I'm all alone again nowhere to turn, no one to go to__  
><em>_without a home without a friend without a face to say hello to_

i spied a plate of food left out for me ignoring it i made my way through the room tiding up as i went pushing in chairs and piling of paper the Gaius had left strewn about lying half off the table. Once again i brought the candle to my lips and watched as the flame flicker out of existence.

_And now the night is near__  
><em>_Now I can make believe he's here_

Reviling in the darkness for a moment longer i grabbed my jacket and once again stepped into the glaring torch light in the hallway cutting through my dreams. Forcing myself to keep a steady pace i made my way out of the castle.

_Sometimes I walk alone at night__  
><em>_When everybody else is sleeping_

When i finally reach the steps leading away from the castle i allow the moonlight to wash over me. Goosebumps forming over the skin of my arms as the breeze ghosts over me. And there he is. i allow a sigh to fall from my lips. My body releasing the tension it had been holding. A smile graces my lips. I'm home. happily i skip up to meet him and link our fingers together.

_I think of him and then I'm happy__  
><em>_With the company I'm keeping__  
><em>_The city goes to bed__  
><em>_And I can live inside my head_

there he was his golden hair flowing in the wind. His masculine form so close to me. Our hands so sweetly intertwined.

_On my own__  
><em>_Pretending he's beside me_

His dazzling blue eyes sparkling in the starlight so full of hope and promise. I wish never had to end that i would be lost in my own mind free to dream of what could be and can never be.

_All alone__  
><em>_I walk with him till morning_

The wind pass easily though my thin jacket and a shiver runs the entire length of my body. The i feel it the warmth of his arms pulling me against his toned chest heat searing through my body.

_Without him__  
><em>_I feel his arms around me_

The world around me goes hazy. All the colours of the tress and the pavement beneath my feet blended into one creating a brighter spectrum of colour. A twig snapped behind me and i was brought harshly back to reality. Turning round on my heel i can see nothing. Sighing heavily i close my eyes and search for the warmth poking around in the dark i feel it consume me once more.

_And when I lose my way I close my eyes__  
><em>_And he has found me_

With his warmth close to me the world becomes brighter not the harsh light of the torches but the world takes on a delightful glow every little detail shines through my blissful trance. Illuminating the beauty all around me. even the rain only highlights the wonders of my surroundings.

_In the rain the pavement shines like silver__  
><em>_All the lights are misty in the river__  
><em>_In the darkness, the trees are full of starlight_

There is nothing else in this world of my more beautiful or precious than him and in this place i can make-believe he see me in the same way.

_And all I see is him and me forever and forever__  
><em>

But for a moment in time every night i can pretend that he and i can even stand this close. I dare to pretend he can love me. When i know that he cannot even befriend me.

_**And I know it's only in my mind**_

And i know that when i speak of my life and how i fell for him it is falling on death ears and that he can never reply the way i imagine he would.

_**That I'm talking to myself and not to him**_

And yes do not think that fooling myself thinking that in reality he looks at me at all and yet i have false hope that one day he might see my affection as this is the only thing that keeps me going.

_**And although I know that he is blind**__**  
><strong>__**Still I say, there's a way for us**_

The sun is peeking up behind the castle and just like that the magic is gone. the spell is broken. And the warmth is gone the harsh light stings my pupils. All the sparkling light of the stars in the trees and the misty lights in the river. Replaced with the monotonous amber hue admitting from the far off sun that was just making an appearance.

_I love him__  
><em>_But when the night is over__  
><em>_He is gone__  
><em>_The river's just a river_

It is hard to see the beauty of morning when it robes me of the only joy i have in the world every day and then i must go on throughout the day pretending to be glad that it came and sent my dreams away hid then under the carpet not to be found. Till the next night. Till i dream awake or asleep and i am supposed to see the crowded streets full of people i don't know and be happy that they are invading the places that i have my most intimate dreams. I am supposed to pretend that it does not hurt me that they go on each day with their normal lives.

_**Without him**__**  
><strong>__**The world around me changes**__**  
><strong>__**The trees are bare and everywhere**__**  
><strong>__**The streets are full of strangers**_

I know that i am being unreasonable but i can't help it. But this has to stop i can't continue this not anymore this can never be.

_**I love him**__**  
><strong>__**But every day I'm learning**__**  
><strong>__**All my life**__**  
><strong>__**I've only been pretending**_

He does not need me not really. He has Gwen. He looks straight through me. But it ok. (heart breaking so but ok) i am his servant and a man and i am happy to serve for the rest of my life. Just to be by his side.

_**Without me**__**  
><strong>__**His world would go on turning**__**  
><strong>__**A world that's full of happiness**__**  
><strong>__**That I have never known**_

Before the sun had had a chance to rise fully i managed to make my way to his room in time to wake him and there he is the man in question lying there all snug in his bed. So innocent, peaceful and oblivious.

_I love him_

I move over to his bed and allow myself a few moment to look upon his royal beauty i cannot even bring myself to taint that with sarcasm not while he is asleep like that i allow myself one last indulgence before he wakes i gently barely touching him pushed some of his golden hair out of his face.

_I love him_

Ripping my hand away i moved over to the curtains and with false joy bellowed "rise and shine"

Arthur groan waking up "Merlin ..."

_I love him..._

"shut up"

_**But only on my own**_

This has to stop. Again that nigh my dreams were filled with him and only him and the star light filled those trees again.

* * *

><p>was it any good? should there be a sequel? i love to hear what you have to say. please r&amp;r.<p>

(any one that reads my harry potter fic the next chapter is on it way. )

love ya

emerald

xxxxxxxx


End file.
